The Hardest Part

It's amazing how a quick blow can make everything tumble.

My uncle died on Thursday, I dont know what to write about that. It is horrific watching 4 kids bury their father, without their mother being there. I understand why people lose belief in God, this has just made mine stronger.

Where to next...

Things with Laura haven't been great lately either. I'm such a fuck up. She's getting pissed off and I don't blame her. It's only a matter of time until she finds someone better. She's going to America for 2 weeks, I'll be amazed if she doesnt find someone better there.

Next...

Aoife asked me today was I going to London? I was like "sorry what?" and she looked horrified, I guess she wasnt meant to tell me. A quick scan of another blog tells me Vicky and Aoife are favoured, ah yes because I'm a boring cunt, the joys.

Anything else?

Ah yes, having a foster child. Absolutely shit.

I swear I dont know why I try, what's the point? I hate sounding all melodramatic but I just cant find a light to latch onto.

Tom Delonge told 999 others and I that you have to wake up every morning, look in the mirror and love yourself. And when you're out walking, you need to realise the thousands of miracles that are happening just to make every single moment perfect.

I've been listening to AvA, they've become a....comfort band. Snow Patrol & Bloc Party are there for two extremes of emotion, elation and sorrow. AvA are there when I want to feel sad but fall in love with the world again. I just need to try get up the....strength to...I've lost what I was going to say. A tear just formed in my eye.

You feel bad y'know? Here I am complaining because of whatever, yet these "problems" pale in comparison to losing your dad at 16.

I just finished a great book, Confessions of a Fallen Angel by Ronan O'Brien. It was amazing, loved every page of it. Shockingly upsetting however, it's kind of like the Green Mile, you know what is going to happen and yet you are still shocked and upset when it does. It takes a very good author to do it.

Anyway, I'm just about done. I need to go try think of what I've done to Becky to make her mad at me. I've got to just fucking wake from this lull


Thanks,
Karl
xx

Teenage Kicks

You've probably deciphered the fact that I name my blogs after song titles. They dont mean anything most of the time, I just like it.

Right well today I went to see Monsters vs Aliens, I planned Laura's birthday present too. Nothing expensive sadly as I am as broke as foooook. Im going for the "awhhhh thats so sweet!" instead of the "omggggggggggg i love you, you shouldnt have!"

So I might get it tomorrow, make it over the next week or two.

Im not sure what else to write to be honest. I was quite emotional last night, writing a blog then would have made sense but sure fuck it, yeah?

Thanks,
Karl
xx

You Found Me

Fray didnt make it and she was put down today. Fuck. Fuck Fuck Fucking Fuck Fuck.

I found God on the corner of 1st and Amistad
Where the West was all but won
All alone, smoking his last cigarette
I said, "Where've you been?" He said, "Ask anything."

Where were you, when everything was falling apart.
All my days were spent by the telephone that never rang
And all I needed was a call that never came
To the corner of 1st and Amistad

Lost and insecure, you found me, you found me
Lying on the floor, surrounded, surrounded
Why'd you have to wait? Where were you? Where were you?
Just a little late, you found me, you found me.

But in the end everyone ends up alone
Losing her, the only one who's ever known
Who I am, who I'm not and who I wanna to be
No way to know how long she will be next to me

Lost and insecure, you found me, you found me
Lying on the floor, surrounded, surrounded
Why'd you have to wait? Where were you? Where were you?
Just a little late, you found me, you found me.

The early morning, the city breaks
And I've been calling for years and years and years
And you never left me no messages
You never sent me no letters
You got some kind of nerve taking all I want

Lost and insecure, you found me, you found me
Lying on the floor, Where were you? Where were you?

Lost and insecure, you found me, you found me
Lying on the floor, surrounded, surrounded
Why'd you have to wait? Where were you? Where were you?
Just a little late, you found me, you found me.

Why'd you have to wait, to find me, to find me?

I cant write anymore, I'm just not up to it. Laura has gone asleep again, even though I begged her not to. Even though I told her I needed her.

There better be a God because this believing business is hard.


Thanks,
Karl
xx

Love Like Rockets

Today was relatively boring. But it was by choice and that's okay. I want to see Laura. I also want Fray to be okay.

I dont want to see Siobhan on Wednesday. I do want to go see cars tomorrow. I dont want anymore chocolate. I do want an Indian curry.

Borat is overrated. I am not really surprised.

Thats all really. I really hope Fray makes it. Please, please, please let her be okay. Shes only young.


Thanks,
Karl
xx

If theres a rocket. . .

Please God tie me to it?

Right, I fail at BEDA, meh. BEcky wasnt interested so I lost interest too.

I might start a new blog. People know this one and I'm not sure I like that. Why did I tell them?

On Tuesday I hung out with Laura, didnt do much but had fun. We went greyhound racing that evening and it was fun. There was one dog though. Forest Romeo. My favourite film being Forrest Gump, Laura's being Romeo & Juliet, we decided to back him/her.

Outside we went and before the race started I told Laura, "If this dog wins, I will propose to you before I turn 21"

And with that the race started. Number 2, our newfound dog, fell behind and things werent looking good. On the back straight he was 4th, maybe 5th. All of a sudden he battled back and won by a lenght. Me and Laura shouted rather loudly, to the amusement of everyone else in the stand, but we didnt care. We had won a marriage proposal(and forty quid).

Yesterday it was our 3 month anniversary. I wanted to make it special. We went to Howth to visit the graves of some of her family, something she had wanted to do for a while. I then brought her to Bray, to Sealife. I bought her a teddy, food, ice cream and we walked on the beach. I tried my absolute hardest to make it the most romantic day of her life.

I guess it didnt work as she spent the day texting. In fact, whenever we hang out, her phone is permanently in her hand.

She texts Nikki a lot. I cant really give out, its her sister.

She texts Becky a lot. I cant really give out, its her best friend.

But its not really fair, is it? Am I just being selfish? But 60 euro and 2 weeks of organising only for her to sit texting?

My next point. This Becky thing that I dont bloody get at all. Apparantly she gets upset at me and Laura.

What do I do?

What?!?

Answers on a fucking postcard please.

I want to be able to have fun with Laura, without worrying about the feelings of someone we both love dearly.

I dont know what to do. Honestly. Heck, Ive tried to reassure Becky that me being with Laura wont change anything. Ive made attempts to hang out more, etc. But do you know what? Its not all my fucking fault. Becky's just as fucking happy going off with Vicky and Aoife. She left us at Becca's birthday, not our fault. Im sick being made feel bad. Im sick of Laura being upset cause she thinks Becky is mad at her. Im sick of Becky being upset because she thinks Laura/Me are mad at her.

Its just stupid. I love Becky. I love Laura. Laura loves Becky. Becky loves Laura. SO WHAT IS THE FUCKING PROBLEM?!?!?!

I dont want to lose my best friend. But I dont want to lose my soulmate either.

Please God give me a rocket. And just fucking tie me to it.

thanks,
Karl
xx

This Modern Love

BEDA; Day 2

Today Laura wasnt in school. I realised how much I need her to be honest, school seemed a thousand times worse.

However, some good came of this! Got to spend some time with Becky and we went to town and stuff and I had many giggles. Some Mormans tried to convert me but I was like "no thanks"

cos im shmad like that.

Going FM104 gig. Got Laura's ticket today. Im really glad shes going to have a good birthday, she was worried.

Easter Plans:
Wednesday - Howth
Friday - Laura's house
Someday - Beach

=)

ROLL ON EASTER!





thanks,
karl
xx

a hundred million suns

that was close!! blogger dont work on my ipod so ill be back tomorrow